As I was writing this blog entry I came across an old untitled blog post that I had completely forgotten about. I wrote this in October, which was around the time that I realized the life I had created was not sustainable creatively, emotionally or financially.
I have spent the past two months attempting to understand why I am making these drastic changes in my life. Little did I know, I left myself this answer before I even made my first move.
I achieved so many things in Charlotte that I had never felt possible, and yet over that time I felt further away from myself. I stopped experiencing the synchronicity in my life that has long served as placeholders of time and reminders that I am on the right track.
I felt a stagnancy settling in and this was not going to suit my zippy life’s pace and desire to progress. I knew it was time to return to school. I just didn’t know I was about to flip my life upside down.
Since I moved to Madison in November nearly every part of my life has change. I haven’t been able to bike and I walk a lot more because of the cold winter weather. I don’t have many friends here, so my social calendar is virtually non-existent. I started two new jobs in the service industry. I stopped creating art and I stopped writing. I cut and dyed my hair. My new apartment is full of new furniture and even my wardrobe is new because of the cold climate. I’m developing a friendship with my brother that we’ve never had before.
The only familiar things I have with me now are my bike, coffee, dream translation, yoga and my dog, Mulder.
All of these eliminations have been a shock to my system, physically and emotionally. This transition I am experiencing still surprises me everyday. I know where my heart is leading me, but my mind and my heart still haven’t come back together in order to make sense of life again.
New Norms, New Pains, New Paths
Life has been extremely uneasy and also very comforting. Instead of spending a majority of my time with my heart open, spilling out my creativity and ideas everywhere I go, I’ve found myself quietly observing and absorbing in an attempt to hear my inner voice again.
I’ve binge watched more Netflix on my couch than I have in the past four years of my life combined. I’ve started reading everyday and started teaching myself a new language. I am introducing new experiences and allowing myself life experiences that seemed to have no valuable to my former couchless, TV-less lifestyle and it feels GREAT!
The mental aches and pains have caused me some physical pains as well. The entire left side of my body is suffering with sciatica, shoulder and neck strains and pains. I can only believe this is a result of my lack of creative expression, part of my brain is literally changing.
Our creative abilities are functions of the right brain, which controls the left muscles of our bodies. Perhaps you will think it is a coincidence, but the plasticity of our brains can make changes much quicker than we realized.
The neuropathways I once strengthened to express myself while painting and drawing for hours each day are weakening as I’ve begun to strengthen others that I am using to receive and synthesize the information from books and TV.
I’m not afraid that my painting ability will somehow disappear, because even though I only painted for about two years, these connections have existed in my brain for a long time. That’s one mystery I am still trying to solve, whether my ability to paint is a learned or an unlearned skill because as of right now it still seems to be a random discovery I made.
And now you see exactly why I need to finally study neuroscience.
Exploring the Mystery of 2017
On a personal and collective level, 2017 is unlike anything we have ever seen before. There is literally no blueprint of the past to help us deal, cope and attack the events that are happening around us. We are left to make it up and strategize all of this as we go.
Don’t worry, I’m saving political discussions for a future blog post, so on a personal level, I purposely left all of my paints and all of my colored pencils far behind in Charlotte. As blips of creativity are coming back to me I am forced into exploring some new forms of media to satisfy myself.
In 2017, I want to create art that truly expresses who I am because I have realized that I never truly revealed my own passion and my own perspective of the world in my art. I’ve never done this before because I’ve always found inspiration in translating the passions of others onto my canvases.
I see this as a new skill to learn as an artist and an opportunity to dig in closer to who I really am.