Another Rough Draft

I recently made a sudden move from North Carolina to Wisconsin. Wisconsin is home. Did I ever expect to move back so soon? Never. Yet here I am, three weeks into my new life.

I’ve made this cross country move four times now, the prior trips were well planned and something I spent months preparing for. But this time, not so much. On November 10th, my sister, nephew, dog and I took off in a packed out mini van that we rented and drove back home.

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The first 10 days.

I tend to really hit the ground running. I had two job interviews set up on my first day in Madison. I scrambled to find the interview clothes in the packed out mini van we brought from Charlotte, I totally was not prepared for the cold temperatures that day. I walked about four miles on the cold windy day.

I was overwhelmed and felt like a zombie.

During both interviews, I was asked where I see myself in one year and in five years. One thing came to mind, I will be in Madison but other than that I could see nothing. At that moment, I realized that once again I have given myself a completely blank slate.

Then I was sick for a few days, this is likely due to a combination of both the weather differences and the fact that I did not proper time to process all of these emotions.   My quick decision to move, forced me to say so many quick good-byes to so many friends who I wished I could have sat down and had heart to heart goodbyes with.   I was physically and energetically congested.

I was finally able to feel a bit more settled once we got living room furniture, washer and dryer and we even got a Christmas tree this week!

New Normalcy

I prepared myself to return to a familiar place as a changed person, with a completely new understanding of myself and my perspective of the world. If that wasn’t creating enough chaos in my mind, I also had to prepare myself to share an apartment with my younger brother and my 2 year old nephew.

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Living with a toddler feels rather normal with my former nanny life, what seems strange is living with my brother. I haven’t lived under the same roof as my brother since we were pre-teens and now we are both mid twenties.

When we last live together we were struggling with our parents getting divorced. My brother was very angry and sometimes violent towards himself and others. Often my sister and I were the only ones that were there to diffuse the situation.

Through out high school years he lived with my dad, while I lived with my grandmother and my sister lived between my aunt and my dad. My bother and I have always understood each other, but honestly we have spent more time together in the the past couple of weeks than in last decade combined.

There is something really wonderful  witnessing him being a father. He has grown into an extremely hard-working man and loves his little dude so much.

Anonymity

One of the strangest, yet expected things about my experience so far here in Madison is my anonymity. In Charlotte, I know a lot of people and we all love the hang out at the same places. It wouldn’t be strange if I accidentally ran into five people I know just running my regular errands, meeting someone for coffee or doing work at my favorite coffee shop.

In Madison, I don’t know anyone. Even though I lived in Madison for a couple years, I only had a small group of friends.

I expected things to be this way, I thought I would really love this part of my new life, but it is proving to be very lonely.

This is a discomfort I know I will have to work through. I am trying to accept the freedom that I have here right now. I wouldn’t say that I expected everything to just click into place upon arrival, but I am constantly reminding myself that I came back to Madison because I am giving myself an opportunity to get back in touch with who I am at my core.

Another Rough Draft

We are often caught up wondering why we end up on a confusing, blind, possibly heart-breaking path, whether the Universe forced us onto them or we made a very calculated decisions that led us there.

When I went to Charlotte two years ago, I gave myself a one year to try out “the artist life”. At that time my heart was dying to create, especially co-created with other people.  I found myself magically in the midst of a community full of people who also shared that desire and together we created much more than just art. We created bonds and connectedness between people, communities, businesses that did not exist before.

As fulfilled as I became in Charlotte, I realized that the work I was doing did not sustain me financially and especially emotionally. I knew early on in the summer that it was finally time to return to school. Throughout all of the things I have done and created, I’ve known that these things are not necessarily my passion work.

The projects I’ve worked on and things I have created are certainly things that I am passionate about, but if I were to name my passions I would rather speak about dream therapy, emotional homeostasis, yoga and neuroimmunology.  This is where my life’s philosophies have emerged from.  Whether you can see them or not they have become part of every bit of creativity that I have expressed over the years and it is finally time for me to dig into that even more at a scholarly level.

Despite the pain that’s been created during this transition, I’ve been reminded over and over again that sometimes you must tear down your entire infrastructure in order to support the steps you are taking to make the changes that your heart is calling for.

And so, here I am, composing my next rough draft.

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